


Dear Tifa

by cruellae (tinkabelladk)



Series: Cloud and Company [3]
Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Genre: F/M, Love Letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-08 02:29:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17972744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinkabelladk/pseuds/cruellae
Summary: These are all the letters that Cloud sent to Tifa, from the time he left Nibelheim to join SOLDIER to after the geostigma crisis.





	Dear Tifa

_Dear Tifa,_

_Today I got to Midgar. It's_ _dark here all the time, and it smells like garbage. I don’t know how people can stand it. It makes me miss home. But I’m not going to look back. I’m going to join SOLDIER and then everyone will see what I can do. Tifa, don’t be worried about me, okay? I’m strong enough for this. I’ll make you proud._

_I miss you. Write back and tell me about what you're_ _doing._

_Your friend,_

_Cloud_

_——_

_Dear Tifa,_

_I met Sephiroth today. Well, I saw him, anyway. He was just walking down the hall past the cafeteria here in the barracks, and then he actually went in and got a cup of tea. I tried not to stare and he pretty much ignored me. He's_ _really, really tall._

_The training is really hard, but I_ _’m not going to let it get me down. My arms feel like rubber every night when I go to sleep because they make us do so many push ups. You would do really good here, I think. You’re stronger than most of these guys, and you could probably beat most of them up. We could make a bet to see which of us made it into SOLDIER first. It would be fun!_

_I really do wish you were here. It's_ _pretty lonely._

_Your friend,_

_Cloud_

_——_

_Dear Tifa,_

_I made a new friend today. His name is Zack and he is SOLDIER First Class, but he still talks to grunts like me. (Though I won't_ _be a grunt for long—I’m working really hard.)_

_Zack is funny and he likes to tell jokes. He tells me that my hair looks like a chocobo butt. I think that's_ _stupid, but the way he says it isn’t mean and it makes me laugh. I hope that you can meet him someday. He’s really strong and he’s going to teach me how to be strong too. He’s not afraid of anybody—he even makes fun of Sephiroth, who never laughs or even smiles._

_I miss you, Tifa. Please write me._

_Your friend,_

_Cloud_

_——_

_Dear Tifa,_

_I don't_ _think that I can send you this letter. I lied to you. You don’t know it, but I did, and I’m sorry. It’s just—all I ever wanted was to be good enough for you, and I’m not. I couldn’t even make it into SOLDIER, so how could I ever be strong enough to protect you like I promised?_

_I'm_ _at the inn in Nibelheim right now, and I can see your house from out the window. You don’t know I’m here. I kept my helmet on so that you wouldn’t find out I was just a stupid grunt who isn’t strong enough to make it into SOLDIER. You’re probably a better candidate than me anyway._

_Sephiroth asked me what it was like to be back in my home town. It really sucks, actually. I don't_ _want to look at anybody I know and I just hope we can leave really soon. We’re going to the reactor tomorrow and then back to Midgar. I’m probably not going to say hi. Like I said, I’m sorry._

_Your friend (I hope we still are),_

_Cloud_

_——_

_Dear Tifa,_

_Do you remember my friend Zack?_

_He's_ _lying on the ground right next to me._

_I think he's_ _dead._

_No. I know he's_ _dead because I watched him die._

_He's not going to laugh anymore._

_You're_ _never going to meet him._

_He gave me his sword but I don't_ _know if I’m strong enough to carry it._

_I think I'm_ _just going to lie down here next to him._

_I always loved you._

_——_

_Dear Tifa,_

_I wrote your name in the sand with the tip of the Buster Sword on my way back to Midgar. Each letter was ten feet long. I wonder how long it will be there. It made me feel better to think of you. It made me feel better to do something, even something stupid and pointless like that._

_It helps to think of you. My mind is so confused and all my memories are blurry. The only thing that's_ _clear is your face. I guess I’m going to keep sending letters just so I can think of you, even though it’s pretty clear you’re never going to send one back._

_Why didn't_ _you ever write me back?_

_Your friend,_

_Cloud_

_——_

_Dear Tifa,_

_Every day I get stronger. Last week I could barely lift the Buster Sword. Today I can twirl it in one hand. People keep telling me that my eyes glow like mako. I think I remember someone doing experiments on me, but I_ _’m not sure. My mind kind of shorts out when I try to think of it. It’s probably better not to. Maybe I was always strong like this. I don’t remember and I wish you could tell me._

_I wish you'd_ _write me back. But how would you? I don’t really have an address anymore._

_-Cloud_

_——_

_Dear Tifa,_

_It_ _’s pretty stupid to write you a letter when you’re right in the next room, but I guess it’s just really hard for me to say things. Thank you for saving me that day at the train station. My mind sometimes goes somewhere strange and I can’t see anything but white, and everything turns to static. I don’t really understand it, but I just try not to think about it and that’s usually okay._

_And now I've_ _got you back. I guess so, anyway. I still feel like I’m a little kid who isn’t good enough for you. The great General Sephiroth wouldn’t be good enough for you even back when he was the best of heroes._

_You know something funny? I still hear his voice sometimes. I mean, when he was alive he only ever said one sentence to me, but now that he's_ _dead he won’t shut up._

_He keeps telling me to ask you about our past. But I remember good enough, and I know when someone_ _’s trying to trick me. Go fuck yourself. (Sephiroth, not you)._

 _I can_ _’t tell if you’re even glad to have me back. I told you a lot of stuff in all the letters I sent, back then, and you don’t seem like you remember or care about any of it._

_But that's_ _okay. I’m happy I found you again. I really missed you._

_Your friend,_

_Cloud_

_——_

_Tifa,_

_I've_ _been sending all the letters I wrote you to Nibelheim, to the house where you used to live. I don’t know why I’m doing that, except that it would be weird to just keep them hidden in my backpack forever. It’s not like you’ll go back there to check the mail since it’s just a smoldering ruin anyway._

_You're_ _different than the girl you used to be. You probably don’t realize it. You were always strong and you were always a fighter, but now it’s like Midgar has made you as hard as steel, all sharp edges and spikes. You wear so much armor and you don’t even know it._

_I always liked you, and when we were kids I would think about holding your hand or maybe kissing you on the cheek, little things like that, you know? That's_ _not what I think about anymore. You’re as dangerous with your bare hands as Barret is with his gun, and that turns me on like nothing else. Since you’ll never see this letter, I guess it’s okay for me to write that down._

_You have some kind of darkness in you, just like I do. Barret, Red XIII, and Aerith are in it to save the world. But you and I are doing this because we want to see Sephiroth bleed. We want to see him feel the same pain that we felt that day, that we still feel even now.  I promise you, Tifa—we will make him pay. And when we do, you'll_ _see that his blood is red just like ours. I know, because I’ve seen it on the floor of a mako reactor and———_

_Sorry._

_Sometimes my brain just blanks out like that. My memories don't_ _always make sense or fit together like they should. Except for my memories of you. You’re my guiding light, even if you don’t know it._

_Love,_

_Cloud_

_——_

_Dear Tifa,_

_I almost kissed you tonight. It was a close thing. I almost asked you to stay with me, just so that I could hold you in my arms for a little while. I wanted to tell you that you looked beautiful in the light of the fireworks, but that seemed like a dumb thing to say, so I didn't_ _. Probably every guy says shit like that to you. I don’t want to be just one more idiot falling at your feet. And anyway, you deserve better than me. Your dad was right—I’m just trouble. Just look at what I got you mixed up in. And I can’t even be sorry for that, because I don’t know if I would be strong enough if you weren’t here with me._

_Love,_

_Cloud_

_——_

_Tifa—_

_What do I do?_

_Something is broken inside my head._

_I did what he wanted. I did what SEPHIROTH wanted. And it felt good. It felt like_ _…_

_I fought him. You have to believe me. I didn't_ _want to do it and I did and he got inside my head and…and he got inside my heart. He saw all the broken pieces of me and when I did what he told me, when I gave in, it felt like he fixed them, just for a few seconds._

_It was like happiness, and I almost forgot what that feels like._

_He told me to kill Aerith and I almost did._

_If he had told me to kill you—_

_I don't_ _know who I am anymore._

_Tifa, I'm_ _so sorry._

_—Cloud_

_——_

_Dear Tifa,_

_I feel like I say I'm_ _sorry in every single letter I write to you. I guess that’s because I fuck up a lot._

_I remember that night when you asked me if I became a hero, would I come and save you if you were in trouble. It seems kind of funny now to remember, because I'm_ _no hero, and you’re the one who saved me._

_I wish you hadn't_ _seen all of the ugly memories I have. I was petty and jealous and proud and angry…and I pretty much still am all those things. Your dad was right—I’m never going to be good enough for you. That’s probably why you never answered any of my letters. You knew I would never be good enough. I would never make SOLDIER First Class and I’d never be the hero you needed. I remember now._

_I remember Zack now too. It hurts to think of him, but I_ _’m glad that I can. He was my best friend, and he saved my life. All I ever wanted was to be as strong and brave as he was, but I’m not. I’m still that angry, jealous little boy who wanted you all to himself, that stupid kid who didn’t know how to play nice with everyone else, who thought he could go to the big city and come back a hero._

_I hope that you find someone who you deserve, Tifa. Except I don't_ _, really. If you had a boyfriend I’d probably cut him in half with the Buster Sword._

_I'm joking. (Mostly.)_

_Love,_

_Cloud_

_——_

_He's_ _dead._

_This time I saw him die. I stayed and I watched until I was sure that there was no life left in him._

_I hope he suffered._

_That's_ _a horrible thing to hope but it’s how I feel._

_Most of Midgar is dead, but Meteor is stopped, and everyone is celebrating on the Highwind. I'm_ _hiding out with the chocobos because I don’t really feel like talking to anyone._

_I don't_ _know what to do now._

_I thought I was going to die fighting Sephiroth and I didn't_ _and I don’t know what to do next._

_——_

_Dear Tifa,_

_Zack said something to me before he died. He said,_ _“You are my living legacy.” And I’ve always tried to be that. Now that Sephiroth is gone, I keep wondering what Zack would do with no more battles to fight. I’m sure he would find something. He was strong and honorable, and he knew his worth._

 _All I thought of was killing Sephiroth. The fate of the Planet seemed less important than burying my sword in his chest. And now_ _…it feels like he’s not really gone. Like he’s still out there somehow, taunting me. But it’s probably just my imagination, because I don’t know how to exist without him. I didn’t know who I was, so I built myself up as the man who would oppose him. Now that he’s gone…who am I?_

_Some legacy I am._

_I still want to kiss you. I want to kiss you and I want to fuck you and I want you to tape up your knuckles and fight me with everything you've_ _got. I want to teach you to use a sword and I want you to teach me to use my fists._

_I bought you some gifts. I bought you a shortsword and some Materia I bought from Yuffie and a pair of brass knuckles. You are a good mother to the kids, but I miss when you were a fighter. I miss the darkness in you and your sharp edges._

_I hid the gifts in your parents'  h_ _ome in Nibelheim behind the piano because I don’t think you’d actually want them, but I didn’t want to get rid of them either. It feels like giving them to your past self. No one lives in that house now, and it’s kind of lonely._

_I love you, Tifa. But it's_ _not going to work if you’re my only reason for existing._

_Love always,_

_Cloud_

_——_

_Dear Tifa,_

_I'm_ _going to die and I’m really sorry. I kept it hidden, but the signs of the geostigma are pretty clear._

_I've_ _always been just another burden to add to all the ones that you carry. I want you to devote your time to Denzel and Marlene. I don’t want you to waste a moment looking after me. You’ve done that enough already._

_Just know that I always loved you._

_—Cloud_

_——_

_Dear Tifa,_

_I just got home. Well, I guess it isn't_ _home for either of us anymore. You left all my stuff in a pile on the floor of the bar, and you and the kids were long gone. I should have known that you would give up on me eventually. Actually, I’m kind of glad. Now that the geostigma is cured and Sephiroth is gone for good, maybe you can really have a normal life. You deserve someone better than me, and I hope you find him._

_If you pick Rude I will kill him._

_(Joking.)_

_I hope the kids are doing okay. I do love them, you know. They've_ _been through so much, and they’re so strong. They’re survivors, blooming even in darkness like those flowers in Aerith’s church. I know none of you think I care, but I do. I just…_

_I'm_ _looking for something and I don’t know what it is. Maybe I’m looking for Sephiroth, even now, even after all this time. I don’t know who I am without him. I don’t know who I am without you._

_It always comes back to him, and you, and Zack. None of the parts of me are really mine, I'm_ _just some kind of monster stitched together from pieces of all of you. I have nothing of my own._

_I love you, Tifa. Just_ _…not enough._

_—Cloud_

_——_

_Dear Tifa,_

_I'm_ _on a plateau near Cosmo Canyon, camped out under the stars. I can see all of the constellations just like that night we spent before we set out for North Crater to kill Sephiroth._

_I've_ _been traveling a lot. I like the feel of the wind in my hair and the open road in front of me. This is something that is just me. The quiet and the vast night sky. I walked through a forest that must be thousands of years old, and I fought a dragon in the center of it. I disarmed the cannon at Junon—don’t tell the Turks. Next time they want to destroy something, it won’t fire._

_This is me. This is who I am._

_When I was in the reactor, when I saw Sephiroth throw you down those stairs, that was just me. It was before Zack made me his legacy, before I built myself up as SOLDIER, before I became Sephiroth_ _’s antithesis. And when it was just me, I picked up the Buster Sword that Zack had dropped. I remember how heavy it was, and that the hilt was slick with blood. I was just me—no one’s legacy, no one’s pawn—when I sank the sword into Sephiroth’s back._

_And when Sephiroth recovered, he stabbed me through the chest with the Masamune. I moved at the last second and the blade missed my heart by an inch. That was me. He lifted me off the ground. I grabbed the blade of the sword and pushed it deeper into my body so I could stand on two feet again. That was me. I swung the sword to one side, and he stumbled, and fell to his death._

_That was me._

_Before the experiments, before I became Zack's_ _legacy, before Sephiroth and Jenova crept into my psyche, that was me._

_I was just a boy who loved you with everything he had, who was too goddamn stubborn to die._

_My name is Cloud Strife and I killed Sephiroth three times and I have always loved a girl named Tifa._

_And you know what?_

_I tracked Sephiroth halfway around the world and back. Don't_ _think I won’t find you too, Tifa. If only so I can tell you how much I love you._

_—Cloud_

**Author's Note:**

> Tifa never answered any letters because she never got them -- before Nibelheim burned her dad hid them from her because he thought Cloud wasn't good enough for her.
> 
> Thank you for reading <3
> 
> Last year I wrote [the book of my heart](https://www.amazon.com/Dark-City-Sarah-Kay-Moll-ebook/dp/B07FP4M6BH).


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